This post is almost certainly going to sound somewhat elitist. If it does, so be it. That does not make it less true or less important.
As you move through the world, you are going to meet a lot of people. Some, you will find incredibly interesting. Others will bore you to tears. Some will seem to have pieces of their lives together in ways that you envy. Others will seem like none of their pieces fit. You will find yourself drawn to people in ways you may have a hard time understanding or explaining. Some of these people will be good for you. Some will not. You will be good for some of them, and for some people you are not the right fit either. All of this is true, and none of this is surprising or particularly interesting.
What is worth noting however, is that, as a basic truth for any relationship that you intend to build to last, and which you should invest your heart into, you must find a partner that is your equal. This will prove, in all likelihood, to be harder than you think. It is, nonetheless, essential.
If you find yourself in a relationship with someone who is not your equal, and we’ll discuss what this means, you will have no choice but to meet that person where they are, and if you and they are not operating at the same level, you will have no choice but to come down to meet them. This is distressingly easy to do, and can, at first, seem like a small compromise for the excitement or comfort that is on offer. Be wary of this inclination. There are many places in a relationship where it’s important to compromise, and there are many times you should. This is not one of them. Without equality, there can’t be a true connection and partnership. Without equality, one person will find themselves shortchanged, acting as a caretaker rather than a partner, a lecturer or parental figure, or you will be forced outside the relationship to fill those needs. While one person cannot fill every need, if you are seeking a real partnership, there are some basic requirements to equality that your partner will need to fill, and which you will need to fill for your partner,to avoid the resentment of inequality.
So what are the non-negotiable basic things I believe you should require in your partner as your equal? The first is intellectual curiosity and honesty. Notice that I didn’t say intellectual ability. While I think that’s important, and can be amazing if you find it, I believe that on a more fundamental level, partners should have roughly similar levels of intellectual curiosity and honesty. If it turns out that you have a great love of learning, and a drive to know the world, you will never be satisfied with someone who does not share this. If it turns out that you are satisfied with seeing and appreciating your life and the world without this, you will never be happy with someone who is not. Their dissatisfaction or yours, will become toxic. The intensity of our intellectual drive is as important a consideration, and one less considered, as sex drive. Incompatibility here is a hotbed for mutual resentment.
The second non-negotiable is your moral integrity. This is not to say that you cannot have deep, even fundamental disagreements, on the what is right or wrong. I think you can. I imagine that you will. What this does mean however, is that your basic moral character, how much being good matters to you, should be roughly the same as your mate. You can disagree on what that means, but I don’t think you can disagree on whether it matters and how much. If dong the right thing, and thinking about what this means, and considering your moral character doesn’t roughly matter to you the same amount, you will find yourselves at odds in terms of how you are driven.
I also believe that equality is essential in both the trajectory and velocity of your lives. Trajectory here is the basic directionality of your life. Where are you headed? Do your visions of the future line up? You can’t, as a team, work together on competing goals. You should each have a vision of your own future that is distinct and your own, and you should have a vision for a shared future. While distinct, all of these must be compatible in order for there to be progress.
Also, the velocity of your lives must roughly match. As I’m sure you boys know, I am a high velocity kind of guy. I move, always. I believe in movement as a virtue unto itself, and I loathe sloth. I am a man happiest in motion and miserable in stillness. Know your desire and tolerance for velocity and find someone who can match this. Velocity is not your everyday energy level. Velocity is your drive for life. Velocity is your need to accomplish, to not just see, but to do. You can’t find happiness if one of you is dragging the other around like a weight.
Your equal will also be your equal in what they are willing to risk, and when. Relationships, real ones, ones worth having, are risky. Few things ache as deeply as a broken heart, and any genuine relationship has this potential pain as an embedded risk. Your partner, as your equal, must share in the amount of yourselves you are willing to risk and invest in each other. An uneven risk will almost never even out. Some people never fully commit and invest. Some people always hold parts of themselves back. We’ll talk about investment in another post, but the amount of risk you each take, in investing your real selves, needs to match up. Discrepancies here are a disaster.
Physical connection. I’m your Dad, and you probably never want to think too much about this, so I’ll keep this mercifully brief. Your physical connection with someone is important, both in terms of the way that you connect and how frequently you each desire to do so. No couple is always on the same page on this all the time, but you need to find a partner whose need to connect with you matches your own. Too often, this need is thought of as less important because it can seem petty. Don’t fall into this trap. Physical connection matters, and when we pretend that it doesn’t, disaster follows.
Find your equal boys. Find someone who isn’t like you, whose interests and abilities diverge in fun and engaging ways from your own. Find someone who makes you better, and who you believe you can make better too, but invest that time and energy into someone who is your equal. If you settle for less, or if your partner feels like they are, resentment is sure to follow, and while I believe a good relationship can survive much, I also believe that resentment is a poison to be avoided.
Dangerous Letters 